My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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