For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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