Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
