If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
