her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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