my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
