I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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