Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
