the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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