I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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