Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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