All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
