i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
