I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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