Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
