last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She tied me up with her honor cords...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
