a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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