So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
