You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
