In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
