i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
