Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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