Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
