He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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