dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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