i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
