WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
