I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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