There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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