I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
