i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
