Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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