In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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