You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
