I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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