I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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