Jerry, you need to find god
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
