saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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