Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
