I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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