I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
