i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
