He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
