I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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