Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
