yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
