Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
