I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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