how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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