dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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