He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
